Is your anger revealing a boundary problem?

You’ve probably felt that feeling—the heat of resentment simmering inside you because of something someone else did. You smile and nod and tell them you’re fine, but internally, you’re endlessly rehearsing a mile-long list of complaints. You don’t want to upset them and make a bigger deal out of things, so you continue to put on a happy face.

Meanwhile, the other person can tell something is wrong. “Are you okay?” they ask. “I’m fine,” you respond. But you know you’re not. You’re mad. For a time, you successfully keep the lid on your anger, but with no release, it continues to build.

All it takes is one little irritant to finally push you ever the edge, and your now full-blown anger suddenly explodes like an over-inflated water balloon, drenching everyone around you. You feel terrible for losing control. You tried so hard to control your anger, but you failed.

Guess what? You’re not a failure! This is such a common experience, and it doesn’t mean you have an anger problem. It means you have a boundary problem. It’s not what you think though. Not being able to keep your anger in is not the boundary problem. The boundary problem already existed when you lied and told everyone you were fine.

You might be confused right now. It seems counterintuitive. Keeping your complaints to yourself is a boundary problem?

Yes, it is.

When we feel disrespected, unappreciated, excluded, offended, or slighted in any other way by another human, it is our responsibility to speak up. Speaking up for yourself is a boundary. If you never say anything about how you’re feeling, how can anyone know to change the way they're interacting with you? They can’t read your mind.

You’re not alone in avoiding confrontation. Many of us will do whatever it takes to get out of having to broach a difficult topic with someone else. The closer the relationship, the harder it might be to go there. No one wants a fight. But at what cost? Is it better to have an uncomfortable conversation up front and risk possibly having someone temporarily unhappy with you or is it better to keep your resentment bottled up inside until you explode in a fit of rage that leads to hurt feelings and damaged trust? I recommend the first option.

In my work with clients, I help them understand where the fear of confrontation comes from and how to overcome it in healthy ways. Often, the fear has to do with not having the skills to express their feelings in healthy ways. I help clients learn how to communicate better so that speaking up for yourself has a lower risk of upsetting those around you. I guide couples through these conversations live during sessions to help them experience a new way of relating to each other. Your boundaries will be strengthened through this process because you will feel safe enough to speak up for your needs.